Colonoscopy Journal by Dave Barry the Pulitzer prize winning Humor writer; to funny to leave it out:
THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald, who used to live in Delaware County and write for the Daily Times.
Colonoscopy Journal:I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly throughMinneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basicallywater, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Our guest Poet Mr. David Hussey.
WHAT WILL IT TAKE?
What will it take,
for we adults,
to know the pain
boys feel--------
a "little man," in
a plastic car, who
thinks that he's
the deal---------
forced into the
shotgun seat,
with a girl behind
the wheel?
Or the tiny lad,
first grade bound,
his wings not yet
unfurled---------
told to sit and to
shut his mouth,
and act more like
the girls?
Or "skinny dippin'"
boys in a "children's"
show, and girls behind
a bush------------
with cell phone cams,
ready to record,
each and every
tush?
Or buck-naked swim
boys, made to march
to and from the
pool,
in front of rows of
cheering girls, who
think that it's so
cool?
Or the hapless
kid in junior high,
slow to pick up'
lessons-------
pushed aside by
teachers,bent on
giving girls their'
blessings?
Or the college guy,
competing with,
gils in every
class--------
who's told that his
efforts count, but
who always comes
in last?
Yes, what WILL it
take, for we adults,
to know the pain
BOYS feel?
David H. Hussey,Jr
05-30-2011, a day of remembrence.
In Flanders Fields (By Lt. Col John McCrae)
In Flanders fields, the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below...
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields...
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands, we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields...
Star Wars; In the last Star Wars saga, Return of the Sith, X Queen Padme' Amindala sits and watches the Sith take over the Galaxies and now has his empire. As the Senate gives him a thunderous ovation, Padme' says "so this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause". Do you get the same feeling I get whenever I listen to Obama speak. Obama listen: About my money
Now I lay me down to sleep I hope like hell it's not for keeps If I die before I wake Pay my bills for my sake By Mikey D Obama Listen: Why I'm coming (about Abortion)
God is good God is great We thank God for our faith Because it's never to late To have a baby for loves sake
Mom and Dad love me so Happy am I to know I will arrive as a blessed event Because I am God sent By Mikey D
When you’re down and out. Let the joy sprout. St. Michael is near. To Mary you are dear. Along with those that love you most. The body of Christ is your host. . Be wise and trust. Listen to him is a must. God feels your pain. And won’t let it rain. On our very precious parade.
In time of need Love is the seed. That will comfort you. While you kneel in the Pew. Praying for Peace. So all ills will cease.
You are Heaven’s Blessing. And God is testing. That his love is true. Because that love, is for you.
By Mikey D
Margaret-Her Faith (Died within one week of receiving the poem)
God is good God is great As long as you have faith Love and kindness is your fate
Be of good cheer Because God loves you as you appear His love is there to take Because God sees you as first rate
He brings his love innate He expects you to partake For all our sins he did take To lesson our burden at the gate
So be of good cheer Because in his eyes you are dear Remain intact as your time draws near You will soon join the loving family of your peers
God stands in the golden hall of heaven With the Arch Angels numbered seven Sins are forgiven and dispatched with haste For the power of his love you will taste
PEACE
By Michael P. De Benedetto
The Knight of Wrentham Bay
The Marxist juggernaut has had a delay. Imposing their Marxist agenda has fallen prey. To Scott Brown the Knight of Wrentham Bay. Obama the mad has lost his way. The people, Obama the mad could not sway. But oh Lord, the truth has gone astray. The teleprompter was broken that day. Obama, Pelosi and Reid have been knocked off their steed And with fond adieu we say goodbye to Reid. I’m so happy I could have peed. Obama has been stopped indeed. The Knight of Wrentham Bay mounts his mighty steed. To congress he goes to clear the weeds. Of inept governance that makes us citizens bleed. We pray for our Knight to make us proud. That he will not be cowed. By the politics’ of hate that is so loud. On Election Day the democrats were slammed. To obscurity the democrats are dammed. Here stands a party in disarray. Losing Massachusetts was not okay. Obama’s memory is a little short. Even though he lies, he’s quick to retort. Hope and change came not our way But higher taxes are here to stay. Sir Scott the bold. Will not be told and be sold. To the highest bidder and fold. Because he has a soul. He will not betray the citizens for GOLD. Our Knight Sir Scott the Bold. God has a hand on Sir Scott cannot be denied. Because GOD stands with him with pride.
By Mikey DeBenedetto Former resident of Cambridge/Tewksbury Massachusetts C-2009 Will be posted on my website www.conservativebastard.com
Good Luck Honorable Senator Scott Brown
Mikey says:
God is good God is great. Kristen will change her fate. She will return to her faith.
And
What I am today I will not be tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow There will be less sorrow On the morrow I will regain my strength My peace will be great And with my soul I anticipate God’s love that is first rate
And
Life is not about what to expect Life is about what is expected Life is not about getting more Life is about giving more Life is not about me Life is about you Life has meaning If you give it meaning Life is not how you make it Life is about what you make it
By Mikey D.
Behar and Mahr, the super cruds of the left deserve all the nasty stuff we can come up with so lets start with Joyless Behar. Sean Penn can be added to the list of cruds for his nasty, which was, wishing someone to get rectal cancer. Alec Baldwin is still at the top of the crud list because he wanted to know when someone would kill Congressman Hyde and his family. We'll save Penn for another day and maybe the ANGEL OF DEATH will visit him. Ode to Joy (Behar) Oh Behar, Oh Behar The lefty from afar Who loves our dear Palin The Rogue that keeps the left a railin Like the feminist Eve who is peeved At what Sarah Palin has achieved Her Vagina Monologue's stink, Oh pew Has your wife's Vagina talked to you The democrats have lost their joy Because of Sir Scott the wonder boy The knight of Wrentham Bay Now has a lot to say What the thieves in the night Can do that's never right It makes a citizen vomit with fright They steal our money as you can see Democrats say taxing you, will set you free No matter what they call it They intend to steal your wallet Oh Behar, Oh Behar Thanks to the left for our commissar Oboomba the magnificent liar He twists and turns As the country twists and churns Behar is heard to say Today is my day Because of Palinism I'm about to have an orgasim My fondest wish is to see Bill Mahr and Rosanne Barr having sex in a telephone booth in the middle of Times Square for 24hourswith Rosanne singing our National Anthem in the terrible way she did once before.
By Mikey D.
The Bitch Witch
There is a bitch. That is a witch. In Bill Mahr drawers She is an itch She fondles his boys She thinks they are toys But alas she is so crass She's close to his ass She is heard to say Your raising the bar I will kiss his ass only from afar Because my name is Joy Behar.
By Mikey D.
Divided we stand. United we fall.
Happy Days are Here Again; Well, are you as excited as I am because now that we have the Roosevelt clone we can now sing that song that made us happy during the depression of the 30's. "Happy Days Are here Again". Except I changed the words a tad. Here goes; Happy days are here again The dollar is falling and the economy is dead Get your apples ready to sell again Happy days are here again Happy days are here again The socialist are at it again Pain and suffering are here again Happy days are here again Happy days are here again Democrats steal from the rich again Picking our pockets isn't far behind again Happy days are here again Happy days are here again You must agree, if not your fate will be Concentration camps will set you free Happy days are here. By Mikey D.
SHIRKS God is good God is great He didn’t shirk When he birth the Shirks A lovely family indeed For God knows how to plant a seed And create a family To give to others, so readily Blessed are they that hurt Remember there is a Shirk To bring the dove of peace So we may live in peace By Mikey D.
Get Well
Roses are Red Violets are blue Your not feeling well is true I can see that won’t do So look up to the sky I’ll tell you why
God loves you with all his heart His love is with you from the start Whatever is wrong will not stay His love is strong and with you all the way
Harkin to the Angels song of love They send you happiness from above With prayers to warm your soul While the dove of peace consoles
God is good God is great I know your problem will give way Because all and your pen pal will pray All will be well this day
A poem of joy for Amber. Much love in Christ’s name. Mikey D, your pen pal
Reverend Wright Reverend Wright, is he white Though he believes his black soul is white He spews hate with such delight Methinks he’s looking for a fight To rid the world of all that’s white
Obama the fool Is nothing but a tool? Of the Nation of Islam who want to rule To bring Shari Law as a killing tool To subjugate women by force and fear That’s why killing to them is so dear
Although I’m a white devil I do not snivel Because the Reverend Cohabitates With the Devil of late Since the Pastor is second rate Has he talked to Barney of late? Because he needs a date
Wright is looking for a revolt He’s such an idiot and a dolt Chavez and Castro are sending guns After the first battle Wright watches as the white man runs Lookout Wright, their white son’s are back Ready to lead the attack
The son’s are ready to fight in the night To cut off food and water will be our delight Since you’re trapped in cities of Tar and concrete Your bridges and roads they will delete Death and destruction is what you will reap
Hunger and no water causing so much pain The bombs will fall on you like rain You cannot escape the tragedy that is before you Jackson, Sharpton, Farrakhan and Wright the few That has committed the black race to burn Along with the Mau Mau that has returned -----
Wright is evil and GOD do your thing, another pillar of salt would be good.
By Mikey
Mikey says, when the soul leaves Heaven to enter a new life it surely must be an array of dazzling colors, brighter than the sun. As we get older the color darkens because of sin and if you’re a dictator like Stalin and Hitler it must turn black, but we Christians are lucky, Jesus said “I come not to change the law but to give you a new commandment, to love one another as I have loved you”. Jesus was all about love and forgiveness. Bu Mikey D
Mikey says: God is good God is great. Kristen will change her fate. She will return to her faith.
And
What I am today I will not be tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow There will be less sorrow On the morrow I will regain my strength My peace will be great And with my soul I anticipate God’s love that is first rate
By Mikey D
Your turn in the barrel
Tax you to death is our goal You morphined butt holes We Dems will keep our loopholes While we tax you after death While we keep you in the hole
For loopholes are not for thee We will not make you tax free Because as you can see We're not about having tea you ninnie's Poor you shall surely be but not we
We are democrats of old Our word is as good as gold We never lie if it be told Ask honest Abe Clinton the bold We know we're dealing with butt holes
If you think your getting a tax break We'll slither in your wallet like a snake You see we know how to cajole As we pull your money from your tight hold We're taking your money-use untold You will have a tax break You will be told It's easy, just sell your soul
Democrats get their money the old fashioned way, pass laws to steal it or get it the, inherit it from mommy. Did I say I was a poet, I meant pathetic. I need sympathy, help me I get this way when I hear Obama and the democraps talking and my computer is generating to much heat and I have to go to the BARTROOM (New England accent).
THE DOPE FROM HOPE
There was a man from Hope Who said I'm no dope Or is it I'm on dope His willy did “Monica” grope When caught did mope
With his lawyer brigade He played loose They were heard to say Watch our caboose For “Monica” has surely Cooked our goose Said willy, lying did I not
Now Hillary has me chained on the spot Whilst Hilly churned and burned Willy cursed and yearned For willy was heard to say Hand over my intern Cause now it's my turn
GOD is good, GOD is great, We’re up the creek, And it's too late.
HILLARY-
OUR LADY OF
PERPETUAL TAXES
There was in New York a lady Who is in your wallet daily?
Who has a husband named Willy,
Who continues to be Willy nilly silly. She dodges and ducks, She thinks all questions suck, She preaches moderation,
But aspires to a Marxist nation,
A paradise for me on limited rations.
God is good. God is great. Don't equivocate. It might be to late. The white man be gone soon. As he heads to his doom. We whites are up against leftist loons. So be wary of the black attack. White man be strong and change your tact. Do not depend on government protection. Get rid of the leftist bastards at the next election. If they don't go peaceful and are deceitful. Clean the grease out of your gun. The white man and his son will get it done. Rid the country of the leftist in any way. It will be our INDEPENDENCE DAY. As Teddy Roosevelt said at San Juan hill, get your arses moving guys. Ccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhaaaaaarrrrrgggggeeeeee
Weiner the other meat. The leaner meaner weaner.
There was a man named Weiner Who took pictures of his weaner He sent them to tweeter or face book So we all could have a look He liked his stiffy That came up in a jiffy He sent it to women Was this a good Omen He was so proud and said As you can see I’m surely not dead The Marxist Press was sad Weiner had lied and they were mad Now his weaner hangs low From the mighty press and their final blow Weiner’s wife is sad today Weiner has resigned without pay But there will come another day For Weiner to display his wank To his good friend Barney Frank.
By Mikey D
Conservative News and Views from the Conservative Bastard
